Am I Not Shrinking or Just Surviving?

I feel the need to take great pause tonight. As usual, it's late and I should have been in bed hours ago. However, I am up, thinking and writing and hoping to understand and apply what I'm being taught by this precarious mortal existence.

I've rambled all too often about how I hate change, the one constant companion of this life. I reject embracing the inevitable until it literally breaks over me like a tsunami of emotion and reality and I am left gasping for air and struggling to survive in a new world where all familiarity has been completely obliterated.

I know, I can hear you now, "You are so dramatic, Tracy! Please get a grip." And, yes, I must admit, I am dramatic but I know myself well enough to know that unless I recognize the way I feel about the changes that happen, not only to me but to the ones I know and love, then I will never be able to fully embrace them and move to a place of understanding and peace. So that's what I'm doing tonight. I'm trying to keep my head above water in a pool of uncertainty and change.

Elder Neal A. Maxwell, former member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, taught, "When striving disciples reflect deeply upon this mortal existence, certain realities become even more clear. We are immortal individuals whose constant challenge is to apply immortal principles to life's constantly changing situations." (CES Devotional, BYU, 4 January, 1998) I was personally present at that amazing devotional where he also taught that when it comes to the struggles of life, "Not shrinking is more important than surviving."

I've been sick for awhile. I've had a cold this past week but more than that, I've been dealing with some complications from my former surgeries that have caused a lot of physical discomfort for the past four or five months. I've pretended pretty well that nothing was wrong and have been over medicating myself to get by but it's finally caught up with me and now I am facing more surgery. I just found this out yesterday and I am scared.

Don't misunderstand, I am not worried about dying or anything like that. Billy Joel has already taught us that only the good die young and well, let's face it, I don't think I qualify as good or young these days! No, I'm not scared like that. I'm scared because being sick really sucks. I've spent lonely nights in a hospital bed and I've spent weeks on end being physically hampered by surgery and a body that needed to heal. It's hard and I know it's hard and I'm afraid of being sick and the loneliness that will be my constant companion as I recover. I am surely shrinking at the thought of enduring yet another battle.

That has been going through my mind all weekend.

Then I talked to my mom tonight. Always, and I mean always, whether she intends to or not, she puts me in my place every time I start to shrink. I remember my freshman year in high school when I tore my ACL playing basketball. As I writhed in pain at center court, a string of expletives escaped my mouth. Later, I told her that I had said some things that I shouldn't have and she simply replied, without thought or blink, "Tracy, if the Savior could endure the cross without cursing, surely you can endure this." Yes, she always helps me to not shrink.

This time was no different. She called to let me know that my cousin, who's only a year older than me, was not only battling cancer again, but also battling a bad infection that could compromise her treatment as well as jeopardize her life. As if that weren't enough, she told me that another member of our family is also in the hospital, battling for her life. I reconsidered my own situation and, like I said to begin with, am taking pause.

And then, as another reminder of the reality of this mortal sphere, as all of this was going through my head and heart tonight, our beloved prophet, President Gordon B. Hinkley passed away at the age of 97. The news was not shocking and more than anything, I feel like we, as a people, are saddened by his loss but reminded of the beauty of the Plan that God has prepared for all of us. We know that through the beauty of the Atonement, we will again, at some future moment, enjoy the embrace of friendship and loved ones who have gone before.

What a blessing to have been taught by such a pillar of strength over the past twelve years. President Hinkley has counseled and taught by example that we should forget ourselves and go to work. He lived his life as a dedicated Disciple of the Savior and, like so many before him, showed us how to live and inspired us to be better. He was definitely not a shrinker in the struggles of life.

So here I sit, on my bed at 2:30 AM. The reality is that I am still scared and sad and worried for those that I love who are literally struggling for not only their way of life but literally, their lives. I am also scared and sad and worried about the big question mark that is staring me in the face. But, that's only how I feel and not at all reflective of what I know.

What I know is that God is real and He's carried me, and those I love, countless times before: this time will be no different. I also know, from past and recent experience, that embedded in every struggle in life is a life-altering lesson. It's my choice, however, to either learn from it or shrink away from it. I've done both and by far, learning, however difficult, is always the better option.

I have to choose not to shrink, even though the tidal wave is already washing over me and I am feeling like a drowned rat. I have to embrace the change, embrace the fear, and in the end, embrace the updated version of Tracy that will inevitably emerge. I already know I am survivor but in moments like these, I have the opportunity to upgrade to a NON-SHRINKER. It's about time.