Oh ye of little faith...

I am a chronic worrier. At one time or another, I would wager that as many as 95% of you have had these words come out of your mouth, "Tracy, you worry too much." I used to list it as one of my talents until I realized that it was not something about my personality that needs to be developed and/or cultivated. It adds to my flictedness, often.

As most of you know, this year I turned 30. As a chronic worrier, I spent many hours before and many hours sense, worrying about the dawn of this new decade and what it all means in the scheme of my life. My overdeveloped worry mechanism has provided me with many hours of things to ponder and fret over. I have even made a mental list of things I should have been or done or seen or had by now. Of course, topping the list are the "big three." They are, as many of you might guess, marriage, kids, and a home of my own. Also on that list is the fact that by age 30, I should be pretty well set financially with a career underway and certainly not living paycheck to paycheck. But alas, I haven't managed that yet either.

This week, I was taught a very valuable lesson about my worrying.

As a state employee, I get paid once a month, on the last workday of the month. I suppose once you get used to it, it's ok but otherwise, it's hard. Especially for those, like myself, who are budget handicap. I usually make it work but this last month was crazy. The week before last, I went to the mall to look for dance shoes (which is a whole other Flicted Friend issue :) but couldn't find any. As it would happen, I found myself at the GAP. I looked around for a little while and found some really cute things on sale. I tried on a few things and picked out three items to purchase. All of them were on sale and the total came to approximately $60.

I was excited about my new clothes but as the week wore on, some unexpected things came up and the bank account got lower and lower. By Saturday, the worrier in me was in full bloom. I decided that I would have to take back the outfit so I would have enough money to do the important things like put gas in my car and eat the last week of the month. I was sad as I approached the counter with bag in hand but felt better about my decision as I left with cash in hand, knowing I would survive until payday :)

The day before payday was like any other day. I drove to work and worked all day and drove home. I had managed to only spend about $40 on gas and other necessities so I felt pretty good knowing that I had survived, yet again to another payday. However, as I drove home, I thought about the things I had wanted that I had to give up and that caused me to reflect, yet again, on my list of things that a 30-year-old should have or be or do. I was a bit abashed as I drove into the parking lot and sulked up to the mail box. I opened it and pulled out the few things and then sulked back to my car.

Once in the car, I took a moment to look through the items in hand. The last piece of mail was addressed to me and was from one of the various doctors that I have seen over the past few years. I opened the envelope and pulled out a check for $62.80. Apparently, I had overpaid them and they sent me the difference. At that moment, tears welled up in my eyes and in my mind came these words from Luke:

"Consider the lilies how they grow; they toil not, they spin not: and yet I say unto you, that Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. If then God so clothe the grass, which is to day in the field, and tomorrow is cast into the oven; how much more will he clothe you, O ye of little faith?" (Luke 12:27-28).

There are many valuable lessons I will continue to extrapolate from this experience. But for this week, I ask myself, why do I ever worry? I don't have a good answer for that question; therefore, I know I need to stop worrying. I know that yesterday I have been taken care of and that today I have been taken care of. Why should tomorrow be any different? Of course, at some moment in the near future, the worry warts will emerge and I'll battle them as much as possible. But for today, I'm worry free and so thankful for the many miracles I have been blessed with.