Here's to the birds in our souls - keep hoping.

Ah...Tracy's pensive mood has returned. Late night, can't sleep, wish I could talk all this out of my head but instead, it goes to print. Amber made me promise to stop sending late night emails so instead, I've turned to late night posts on facebook and the like.

One of my favorite things to do when I can't sleep (besides write silly stuff on my blog) is to watch crime dramas on TV. One of my favorites is on USA, In Plain Sight (about witness protection yada yada). The show always ends with the wrap up scenes and a voice over of the main character, Mary Shannon, making some profound yet simplistic statement about life. Tonight, she said:

"We forget sometimes how much the world can hurt. It can hurt people we love, people we don't, people caught in the middle, even people who'd give anything if they could just never ever get hurt again. But sometimes the hurt cant be avoided, it's just coming at us and can't be stopped. It's in us and can't be seen or it's lying next to us in the dark, waiting. But sometimes it doesn't come at all. Sometimes we get this other thing that flutters down out of nowhere and stays just long enough to give us hope. Sometimes rarely, barely but just when we need it the most and expect it the least, we get a break."

It is really sticking with me tonight. Over the past little while, I've either become accustomed to or forgetful of the "hurt" the world can bring. I think I keep myself crazy busy to avoid it or somehow outrun it. Not that I'm unaware or ignorant of others around me, I've just gotten good at compartmentalizing my day to day existence and have become fairly routine in the ebb and flow of life.

Over the past few weeks, my routine has been shaken a few times and now I'm left in that moment of clarity when all is calm but I know the hurt is coming and it can't be avoided. From the peeps I love fighting the valiant fight against cancer and other illnesses, to my knee surgery tomorrow and from friends moving away to that one thing my heart wants most but is constantly reminded that I can't have, the pain is coming and it can't be stopped, like a freight train barreling down on me.

I agree with Mary's insights - so much of the hurt in this world is unavoidable, unstoppable, unrelenting. The immediacy of the pain brings up so many fears and questions that I have found myself feeling overwhelmed and out of control.

Time out. Deep breath. Closed eyes. Silent prayer. A few tears. Be still. The flutter of hope.

So thanks, Mary, for the reminder of the reality of inevitable pain but more importantly, thanks for the reminder about the importance of hope. Because no matter what the outcomes of any of these painful situations will be, the truth remains that the pain will come, I will feel it, and it will change me. But if I've stood still long enough to allow the gentle flutter of hope to stir in my heart, that change will include clarity, learning, strength, peace and love.

Here's to the birds in our souls - I'm going to keep hoping.

Emily Dickinson - Hope

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.