The girl in the photo

A new year and a new volume. It's been four months since the last issue but no worries, I'm still flicted. In fact, I'm probably more flicted now than ever :) I'll have to do some research about this condition but I think it worsens with age. I'm two weeks away from my 31st birthday and I can only imagine the amount of flictedness I will acquire during the next year of my life!

This blog must begin with an apology. I have to apologize to all of you who have endured these blogs, online and in person! You know who you are out there. All of these blogs (online and in person) allude to my amusing challenges and somewhat silly struggles over the duration of my existence on this little planet. It's just the way I'm wired and although I have tried to keep all this craziness repressed, it just has to come out in some way. I have spewed so much of my life all over those who are closest and so if any of you are too sticky from the goo and sick of hearing it all, I understand if you must take your leave before you go nuts!

I don't have any cute story to tell this time around. Just some straight up, flat out, in your face life story. I figure it's time to just tell the whole story that I have been trying to tell in so many ways and then once it's told, then maybe I won't have to keep telling it over and over to myself and to others in order to believe that it really happened and this is my life, for real.

I hate change. I absolutely hate change. Unfortunately, for me, that's a stupid thing to hate because if there is one thing for certain, that is change. If there is one thing that life has taught me it is that change is the rule, not the exception. Everything and everyone changes, a lot, all the time. But, the fact remains, I hate change and I will usually do anything, irrational and crazy, in order to keep the status quo. Many of you have experienced my madness as I have approached a change and have watched me squirm and writhe in the agony of change. It's not pretty but it's real.

My story that I want to share with you and with the world is a story about change. A big change, my big change. The past two years of my life have been littered with changes in everything and this story is just about one of those changes, well, it's the story about the biggest change for me.

I've posted the family portraits from 2002 and then 2004 as a visual aid for those of you who haven't known me that long or who are visual learners :) I'm in both pictures, I promise. If you look closely, you will see that I have lost a substantial amount of weight since 2002. The facts are such - I used to be really overweight, really. Those of you who have never struggled with a weight problem or chronic body image insecurities, just quit reading now because you won't understand and it will probably just bore you.

For two decades, I lived with this kind of disease that pervaded my every thought, movement and very being. It was the first thing that I thought about when I woke up and it was the last thing I thought about before I went to bed every night. For twenty years, every prayer, every falling star, every birthday wish was a plea to the powers above to help me free myself of this horrible plague.

At last, in my mid-twenties, I found some solace with my condition by convincing myself that God wanted me to suffer in this way in order to gain humility and empathy for others. Plus, I also convinced myself that I was the fat person that everyone needed to know and love in order to learn those life lessons about loving and accepting others. Just like that I had it all figured out and that completely convoluted and utterly false understanding was good enough to allow me to build some nice, tall, really thick walls to keep everyone out and the real me in.

After a few years of cynicism, sarcasm and utter loneliness, something started to happen in my heart. I call it a spiritual smack in the face but the good Lord was trying His best to help me understand that the way I was thinking and living was wrong and that I needed to change. It started with my dad sitting me down one day and saying, "Tracy, you know I love you no matter what but I'm concerned about your health and here's something that I have been thinking about." He then shared with me a pamphlet about gastric bypass surgery. For eight months I thought and considered and thought and considered about everything and in the end I decided that I would rather die and take my chances in the next life than live in this life one more day like I was.

A deep breath, a big sigh and my signature on the dotted line catapulted me into a realm of changes and challenges that I had never considered possible. On January 31, 2003, I underwent a five hour surgery to reduce the size of my stomach to two ounces. Again, for the visual learners, put your two thumbs together side by side . . . that's about two ounces. After five excruciating days in the hospital where I about met my Maker again, I was released and went home to recuperate. Although I was relieved to be at home, I was still very sick and very weak. Ten days after my surgery, I developed a leak in my new little stomach. Since the leak would have to heal on its own, I couldn't eat or drink anything by mouth for seventeen days. My nourishment for those three and a half weeks consisted of a syringe, a tube in my side and a can of Ensure every three to six hours. It was not pretty.

Eventually, the leak healed, and my recovery continued. After two months, I was able to start exercising again. I joined Curves for Women and started with the basics. By the summer, I had lost sixty pounds and took a trip to the Bahamas with one of my dearest friends. My body was slowly healing and getting used to the changes that were occurring. Around April, I noticed that my skin was finally regaining its color. A new sense of freedom began to wash over me as the weight melted away and my body continued to change.

In September, my new found freedom found me playing some touch football with some friends and just like that, I had re-injured my right knee. Within two weeks, I had had another surgery on my knee to repair the damage and was confined to an immobilizer and crutches. I battled with my physical therapist over and over because I was always certain that I was not going to be able to do what he pushed me to do. But somehow, he knew better than me and I started to recover and regain strength in my knee. In a few months I was back to exercising and gaining more and more freedom.

It's very interesting what freedom will do for a person. The confidence that I was gaining helped push me to reach out beyond my comfort zone in my job and in my relationships with others. I no longer felt the need to hide so much behind my walls. I decided to change jobs and move away from home, my comfort zone and place of security. It seemed as if every time I turned around there was some new change to embrace either in myself or in someone else. I was constantly being asked to accept the newness of myself and others.

Most of my life, I had been so worried about the costs of all the changes and what there was to lose. A year after the gastric bypass surgery, I found myself in a new place, in a new job, with a new and expanded circle of loved ones and friends. The only thing I had lost in all the change was over a hundred pounds and a lot of pain that was self inflicted and unnecessary.

It would be impossible for me to share all the joys and sorrows the ups and downs. I finally bought my first pair of Gap jeans. I went to Carrowinds and was able to ride all the rides. I ran my first 5K. I finally allowed myself to really love someone.

Well, another year has passed since then and I find myself at another crossroad of change. I opted to have another surgery at the end of January to "lighten the load" a little more. Even though my body is grateful for the weight that I was able to lose, my skin was not as forgiving. So in late January, I had a full abdomnioplasty to remove the extra skin on my tummy and torso. It was nothing like the first surgery. I had no idea how it would affect me, body and spirit, and I am still recovering. (One of the main reasons I haven't written in so long :)

I quit the job with the state that I hated so much and now I work at Curves for Women part-time while I am finishing graduate school and figuring out what to do with the rest of my life.

As I sit here at 3:14 AM, I feel like I could never capture or appreciate all the joys and sorrows over the past two years that have shaped me literally and figuratively but I so desperately want to try because I know that out of these past two years will spring the source of so much personal growth and understanding. There just aren't enough words to express my joys or my sorrows in their entirety. I suppose that's how it's meant to be. Some things can only be felt and known to the individual.

As I reflect, oh and boy have I ever reflected, I am trying to come to some conclusions and lessons that I can begin to take away from this season of complete and utter miracles in my life.

Here's what I have come up with so far:

1 - God lives and He loves us all, even me.
2 - He is a God of miracles and miracles can happen in the lives of all of us, even me.
3 - God answers prayers, even though it may take two decades of asking and pleading for the answer. When the time is right, He will always deliver us, even me.
4 - We are all worthy of love and respect, even me.
5 - Sorrow is necessary in order to appreciate joy.
6 - Happiness isn't found it's created. It's not a place; it's a state of mind. We don't arrive there, we are there, and we just have to choose to see it.
7 - Loosing 160 pounds will not make people love you any more or less, including yourself.
8 - You have to be able to accept the love of yourself and others before you can open your eyes and heart to true joy. Offering forgiveness and accepting forgiveness from others and yourself for your shortcomings is a key to unlocking true joy and freedom.
9 - If you want to succeed you have to be willing to give up all excuses for failing, eliminate all the crutches in your life, and rely on those who love you for support and encouragement.
10 - It's OK that I'm not perfect. There's only ever been one perfect person and He's the reason why I'm still here and can live and love and learn. The greatest freedom I will ever know comes by knowing and loving Him.

So, my dearest friends and loved ones, I hope that you will continue with me into this next volume of the Flicted Friend. I am forever grateful for each of you in so many special ways. As we all continue through this life where change is not the exception, its the rule, I hope I can offer you all my love and support through all the changes in your life as you have done for me over the past few years. Just remember, you aren't alone, you have a flicted friend who loves you!