The Lighter Side

So, while I'm swimming in all this reality, I decided that I needed to get back in touch with some of The Flicted Friend that I once knew and loved. I haven't reflected on anything amuzing from my life lately. I had all but decided to do away with The Flicted Friend for different reasons but I think there are just too many funny things that have happened and will happen to learn from.

Tomorrow morning, I will inevitably regret staying up tonight, but I don't care. I am willing to risk the dark circles under my eyes to share my most embarrassing moment in order to find my lighter side once again and remember how awesome it is to be FLICTED!

I don't have many secrets. If all of my friends got together and told each other what they know about me, my whole life would be shared. Since I have to deal with things from the outside in, I share what's going on in my head and heart, over and over, until it makes sense to me. So, I don't have any secrets, really. If it had an impact on me, then I've told someone about it, I promise.

Many of you have heard the saga of my most embarrassing moment and I suppose it's funnier when I tell it because there are some critical sound effects and hand gestures that I do but for posterity's sake, I must write it down as not to loose it forever :)

I went to Brigham Young University and if ever there was a BYU co-ed, it was me. I loved everything about being at BYU. T-Hall, Deseret Towers, the Morris Center, football games, devotionals, the Wilk, rolling down the bell tower hill at 2 AM in a toga, I did it ALL! I lived in the dorms, on-campus for three years and was even an RA my third year. My memories of my friends and experiences there are sweet and poignant and in my seasons of sadness, I reflect on those good times and I always feel better.

I lived with the same group of friends for three years. We were dubbed, "The Psycho Chics" our freshman year and it stuck quite nicely. None of us minded the label, we earned it over and over. Looking back, I am glad that I was blessed to know these wonderful women who were unique and vibrant and completely in love with life. We had our moments of tragedy and drama but in the end, those friendships will always stand as pillars to my own foundation of a life well lived.

I had many flicted moments while I was attending BYU and my friends were eye-witnesses to so much of the calamity that I attracted. I am sure each of them could share multiple episodes of flictedness. Maybe one day, we'll collaborate together and write them all down - what a HOOT!

This moment of utmost humiliation was no different. My dear friend heather with a little "h" was fortunate to be right by my side through the whole thing. When I look back at it now, I would have not wanted it any other way!

Picture a crisp, early fall mid-morning in Provo, UT. The semester was barely a month old and it was Tuesday. heather and I were walking home to Heritage Halls from the Eyring Science Center where we had our Doctrine & Covenants religion class with Randy Bott (one of my personal heroes). As juniors, we were finally able to register for his class and were loving it.

There wasn't anything particularly different about that morning or the walk back to our dorm. It was the same route we had always taken and both of us could have walked it in our sleep. Campus was bustling with students in between classes and we walked at a slower pace, not having another class to get to. I'll never know how it actually happened but as we were walking between the Wilkinson Center and the HFAC, I either dragged my foot wrong or took a bad step because in an instant, my very existential knee "popped out" of joint and I was on the ground, in a lot of pain.

Due to an ACL tear and repair from high school, my knee had the tendency to cut out on me at random times. Now, thanks to modern medicine, I know that it was due to a tear in the meniscus that was not fixed origianally. Thank goodness I've since had it fixed and it hasn't popped out in over 4 years.

This wasn't the first time heather had dealt with my crazy knee and two times before, she had been able to pull and manipulate my leg enough for the cartilage to slip back into place. Due to her earlier success, that became our initial plan of action: heather was going to pull my leg until my knee popped back in.

Now, picture this, please, you must:

Me on the ground, with my leg in the air and heather pulling as hard as she could to try to put it back in place amongst the 30,000 students who were rushing to get to their next class. We didn't really blend in if you know what I mean.

After about 10 minutes of pulling, heather was tired and sweaty and my knee hurt even more. So she sat down beside me to talk about Plan B: get me to my uncle's and he would be able to pull it back in. Since I was completely unable to bear any weight on my leg, we were in a quandary as to how to get me home, in my car and to my uncle/chiropractor in order for him to manipulate my knee back into place.

Just when we felt all hope was lost, out of the corner of my eye and down the steps of the Harris Fine Arts Center, came our knight in shining armor, a handsome ROTC officer in his uniform, with a radio. In moments he had swooped in, assessed the situation and called Campus Police. He was my hero (and he was a hottie).

While waiting for Campus Police to come and pick me up, he asked if he should try to pull my knee back into place. I obliged him, after all, he was a hottie :) So, and make sure you picture this, there I was sitting on the ground with my leg in the air with a handsome ROTC officer pulling with all his might to try to pop my knee back into place.

But alas, it did not work and then there were three of us sitting on the ground, waiting for help to come.

After a few minutes, a Campus Police officer arrived on the scene by driving his car onto the side walk between the buildings to reach our location. He proceeded to talk to the ROTC hottie, I mean officer. Since my knee wasn't cooperating, he offered to drive me to our dorm or to the health center. I asked him to take me to the dorm, where heather could then take me to my uncle's home.

It was all set.

As if sitting on the ground, in the midst of thousands of your peers watching as first your best friend and then a ROTC hottie pulls on your leg wasn't embarrassing enough, the moment of truth came as my knight in shining armor reached to help me off the ground.

Please, close your mind's eye and picture this with me now . . . I'm sitting on the ground, unable to put any weight on my bum knee. One of the cutest boys I've ever seen is now standing in front of me and reaching down to help me up. He wraps his arms under my arms. Put your hand to your nose . . . he's that close. Now he's counting "1, 2, 3." Then he pulls me up and then . . .

yep . . .

you guessed it . . .

I farted.

Now, it wasn't too loud or gross but it was loud enough for all in the vicinity to hear but who cares about everyone in the vicinity, right? The man of my dreams is 3 centimeters from my face and I farted.

What do you say in that situation? Really, what can you say?

Well, I said the only thing a well-bred southern girl could say, "Excuse me."

He certainly earned his stripes that day because he got me to the car without dropping me or laughing. heather and I fell into the back seat of the police car and laughed so hard that we almost wet our britches. The police officer had been in the car at the moment of expulsion and hadn't been privy to the gaseous emission. No telling what he thought we were on but in any case, he got me home and heather got me to my uncle's and my uncle got my knee back in place without any further gas problems.

Now, if this were any other girl, the story would end there because that's enough humiliation for anyone, right? Sure but I'm not just anyone - I'm the FLICTED FRIEND, remember?

A week later, heather and I were back in Brother Bott's class and lounging in the seats near the top of the classroom a few minutes before the beginning of class. Again, nothing special had happened and my knee was feeling better. She and I were most likely talking about one of the many boys we were in love with and not really paying attention to what was going on around us. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a guy walking up the stairs towards our row of seats. I continued talking to heather and he kept walking towards our seats.

Then, in a flash, I recognized him - my knight in shining armor, the ROTC hottie, the man of my dreams - who I farted in front of.

He came right up to me and said, "HI!"

I replied with my head down, "Uh, hi."

He asked, "How's the knee?"

I replied, "Oh, it's better, thanks," and then asked, "are you in this class?"

His response, "YEAH, don't you just love Brother Bott?"

I squeaked, "yep."

He said, "well, I better get back to my seat - hope your knee gets better."

"Thanks," I mumbled.

And with that, he sauntered back to his seat and class began.

Twice a week, for 12 weeks, in my favorite class, sat my knight in shining armor, the ROTC hottie, the man of my dreams and every time he smiled or said "hi" all I could think of was the moment we shared together, 3 centimeters apart, and a fart.

Life doesn't get any better than that :)

If anything, I know that there's no way that I can ever take myself or the situations that life throws at me too seriously. Whatever is going to happen will happen. I didn't plan on farting in front of a cute boy in my hour of need but I couldn't control it either. Sometimes things just come out of nowhere and then I'm left to deal with the stink it leaves. That's just life and that's ok. If I'm trying to do my best, then that's all I can do. The stink will eventually dissipate and the memory will either be a good lesson or a good laugh. And sometimes, I will have to face those moments and memories again and again but the fact that I'm still standing and trying my best makes it easier and easier every time I come face to face with those things. That's the best anyone can do and that's just fine.

Have a good laugh and keep on keeping on :)

Am I Not Shrinking or Just Surviving?

I feel the need to take great pause tonight. As usual, it's late and I should have been in bed hours ago. However, I am up, thinking and writing and hoping to understand and apply what I'm being taught by this precarious mortal existence.

I've rambled all too often about how I hate change, the one constant companion of this life. I reject embracing the inevitable until it literally breaks over me like a tsunami of emotion and reality and I am left gasping for air and struggling to survive in a new world where all familiarity has been completely obliterated.

I know, I can hear you now, "You are so dramatic, Tracy! Please get a grip." And, yes, I must admit, I am dramatic but I know myself well enough to know that unless I recognize the way I feel about the changes that happen, not only to me but to the ones I know and love, then I will never be able to fully embrace them and move to a place of understanding and peace. So that's what I'm doing tonight. I'm trying to keep my head above water in a pool of uncertainty and change.

Elder Neal A. Maxwell, former member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, taught, "When striving disciples reflect deeply upon this mortal existence, certain realities become even more clear. We are immortal individuals whose constant challenge is to apply immortal principles to life's constantly changing situations." (CES Devotional, BYU, 4 January, 1998) I was personally present at that amazing devotional where he also taught that when it comes to the struggles of life, "Not shrinking is more important than surviving."

I've been sick for awhile. I've had a cold this past week but more than that, I've been dealing with some complications from my former surgeries that have caused a lot of physical discomfort for the past four or five months. I've pretended pretty well that nothing was wrong and have been over medicating myself to get by but it's finally caught up with me and now I am facing more surgery. I just found this out yesterday and I am scared.

Don't misunderstand, I am not worried about dying or anything like that. Billy Joel has already taught us that only the good die young and well, let's face it, I don't think I qualify as good or young these days! No, I'm not scared like that. I'm scared because being sick really sucks. I've spent lonely nights in a hospital bed and I've spent weeks on end being physically hampered by surgery and a body that needed to heal. It's hard and I know it's hard and I'm afraid of being sick and the loneliness that will be my constant companion as I recover. I am surely shrinking at the thought of enduring yet another battle.

That has been going through my mind all weekend.

Then I talked to my mom tonight. Always, and I mean always, whether she intends to or not, she puts me in my place every time I start to shrink. I remember my freshman year in high school when I tore my ACL playing basketball. As I writhed in pain at center court, a string of expletives escaped my mouth. Later, I told her that I had said some things that I shouldn't have and she simply replied, without thought or blink, "Tracy, if the Savior could endure the cross without cursing, surely you can endure this." Yes, she always helps me to not shrink.

This time was no different. She called to let me know that my cousin, who's only a year older than me, was not only battling cancer again, but also battling a bad infection that could compromise her treatment as well as jeopardize her life. As if that weren't enough, she told me that another member of our family is also in the hospital, battling for her life. I reconsidered my own situation and, like I said to begin with, am taking pause.

And then, as another reminder of the reality of this mortal sphere, as all of this was going through my head and heart tonight, our beloved prophet, President Gordon B. Hinkley passed away at the age of 97. The news was not shocking and more than anything, I feel like we, as a people, are saddened by his loss but reminded of the beauty of the Plan that God has prepared for all of us. We know that through the beauty of the Atonement, we will again, at some future moment, enjoy the embrace of friendship and loved ones who have gone before.

What a blessing to have been taught by such a pillar of strength over the past twelve years. President Hinkley has counseled and taught by example that we should forget ourselves and go to work. He lived his life as a dedicated Disciple of the Savior and, like so many before him, showed us how to live and inspired us to be better. He was definitely not a shrinker in the struggles of life.

So here I sit, on my bed at 2:30 AM. The reality is that I am still scared and sad and worried for those that I love who are literally struggling for not only their way of life but literally, their lives. I am also scared and sad and worried about the big question mark that is staring me in the face. But, that's only how I feel and not at all reflective of what I know.

What I know is that God is real and He's carried me, and those I love, countless times before: this time will be no different. I also know, from past and recent experience, that embedded in every struggle in life is a life-altering lesson. It's my choice, however, to either learn from it or shrink away from it. I've done both and by far, learning, however difficult, is always the better option.

I have to choose not to shrink, even though the tidal wave is already washing over me and I am feeling like a drowned rat. I have to embrace the change, embrace the fear, and in the end, embrace the updated version of Tracy that will inevitably emerge. I already know I am survivor but in moments like these, I have the opportunity to upgrade to a NON-SHRINKER. It's about time.

A New Volume - No Issues

A work in progress, that's me. No doubt I need to wear a t-shirt all the time that says, "Under Construction" in order to give all around me a fair warning. I'm glad to konw that I can change, though. I would hate to be stuck forever as someone I didn't like.

I'm rambling a lot these days. I feel like a feather in the wind. Well to be exact, I feel like a leaf in a hurricane. Most of you know that I moved here to VA to be closer to Nate and if any of you read my last blog about him, you all know how much I care about him.

But, as life would have it, that future is no longer a reality. It's been three months since we parted company. It's been really crappy and I've felt like staying in bed and hiding from the world. I'm wondering if my silly heart will ever catch up to my brain. I know it will but this in between time is almost too much for me to handle.

So, I've thrown myself into my job. I got a great raise and have signed on to do another triathlon to keep me busy, body and soul. I'm looking forward to another finish line and to raising money for a good cause. I've also considered buying a place of my own and maybe even getting a dog :) 

I apologize for being in and out of your lives. I always want to have something great to report but as life goes, things aren't always great for anyone so I've been silent for awhile. But, you know me, I can't keep quiet too long :) 

Onward and upwards - like Bishop Miller said, "Anywhere worth going is always uphill." Well, I know that's true and I can't wait to get where I'm going :)

Triathlon Times

My mind is exploding with ideas and things that I want to communicate. I don't know where to start. My last post was in May and let's face it, it was depressing :) It's now October and there have been a lot of changes in my life over the past 5 months.

However, I must fight the urge to make this the catch all entry because this is "The Flicted Friend" and I want this space to remain more or less my space to reflect and learn and share poignant life lessons learned. So for now, here's a bit of what I've learned over the past 5 months and I'm calling it "Triathlon Times."

In May, I decided to train and participate in an Olympic distance a triathlon. Many of you are now asking yourself (and me) WHY? Well, for a lot of reasons, some of which I am still figuring out but mostly it's about healing after a great loss and gaining

control of my life in an otherwise chaotic world.

I chose to do this great thing with Team in Training, a fund raising and training program for The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. TNT offers athletes a four-month comprehensive training program under the guidance of qualified coaches and in return, each athlete raises funds used in the fight against blood cancers. Blood cancer is what took my friend Roger Miller from this life and an endurance sport (rock climbing) is what took my friend Shelley. They died in the same week of November 2005 and in celebration of their lives, I chose to do something that I never thought I could to honor their great lives and to find some peace and solace from the loss.

Participating in a triathlon is a celebration of human spirit, physical ability and mental endurance. For me, it was also celebration of life!

We begun the process in early May. A training schedule was outlined and the weeks began to fly by. Daily training was necessary. If I wasn't running, I was biking or swimming and some days I was doing all three. So many times, I wanted to quit but after a few months, I had raised quite a bit of money towards the cause and not only did I need to finish for me, now I had an incredible support group of donors and friends that were cheering me on.

And then, like lightning, the summer was over and I was on a plane to Orlando, FL to compete in the Walt Disney World Triathlon. It was amazing and a moment that will most likely get better as I get older and all of my memories fade from good to better :) In all my life, I have to say that was my peak of fitness. I wasn't the fastest in the race but I was the fastest that I had ever been. I finished the one-mile swim when I thought I would surely drown. I rode the 25 miles on my bike with ease and enjoyment. I finished the 6 mile run upright, sprinting and could have gone at least another mile :)

My heart was so full in that moment, I don't know if I will ever be able to put words to it.

In moments of my own personal despair, Roger Miller had counseled me, "Anywhere worth going is always uphill." He was right.


Now, I know that without a doubt, along with a few other key points. I humbly submit these things that I learned in my journey and hope that they somehow make sense and reflect in some small way what I've begun to understand about my own purpose and the importance of embracing that purpose.

- Forest Gump was wrong. Life is not like a box of chocolates, life is like a triathlon, you never know if you are going to survive.

- A meaningful purpose pushes you beyond your perceived personal limits. When it's not about you, you can do so much more.

- Chaffing is going to happen, do what you can to prevent it but in the end, you will need to just accept it.

- Drowning is not an option. Neither is crashing or quitting.

- When you crawl out of the water, you still have to bike and when you get off your bike, you still have to run.

- There are always people in front and behind you in the progression of things. They aren't your competition, you are. Your place in the progression isn't as important as your progression.

- Even if you are last, at least you finished.

- Milestones are only markers, not finish lines.

- Sometimes water stations are really far apart, unbearably far apart!

- You can't control the weather.

- Transitions are hard. You want to stop but you know you have to keep going.

- Fans are the best invention ever. No matter how tired you are, encouragement along the way always helps.



- There is nothing like the finish line. It's worth it, every time. This point is the one that I hope you will take with you for now and always. I might be naive and silly about lots of things but I know about finish lines and trust me, it's worth it. If you haven't already, find a finish line and do whatever it takes to cross it. You will be amazed what it does for your heart and soul.

Love Wells

Loving someone is like digging a well. Day by day and moment by moment, I move the earth in my heart and soul, allowing a little more of me to be exposed every time. The more earth I move, the deeper love goes. Like all wells, the purpose in digging it is to eventually draw water, one of the basic needs for my very survival. Love is no different. I dig into my soul with the hope of eventually drawing love that will hopefully fill a basic need in my life.

Sadly, sometimes there is no water to be found, no matter how deep I dig. For whatever reason the expectation is not met and I am left severely wanting. Sometimes, I have continued to dig in hopes that eventually, I’ll find something that will satisfy my need. Unfortunately, no water is ever found and there remains a deep and painful cavern in my soul.

In my experience with digging love wells, there are a few ways to deal with these holes in my soul.

The first and easiest way is to cover it up. Put some boards or aluminum siding, maybe even some brush to disguise the gaping hole. These methods include lying to myself about how I really feel and lying to those around me about how things are great. Some folks try drugs and alcohol or other self damaging behaviors. I’ve taken up new hobbies and other things to cover up the hole. Those things work momentarily and have led to new friends and opportunities but the hole remains deep and dangerous.

The worst thing I’ve ever done in trying to cover up one well, is to start digging another. The saying about needing something like you need another hole in your head has all kinds of new meaning to me.

The problem with wells that are merely covered up is that I can easily fall into them if I'm not always careful. Falls like that are liable to kill me or at least maim me for life. Falls into love are no different. The fact remains that no mater how I fall into the hole, either by accident or head first on purpose, there will be just as much water there at the bottom of that well as there was when I tried to cover it up the first time – none.

No, empty love wells in my soul that are merely covered up are never a good idea.

The second way to deal with holes in my soul is to fill them in with all the dirt I excavated in the first place. It’s a painstaking process that takes a long time and so much effort. Grain by gritty grain, I have to take every moment the I ever had with that person and and relive it and then say, “no more.” Slowly but surely, I fill in that well like it was never there and my soul is hidden, once again, safe and protected. I can walk over that well like it had never been there. Heck, I can even dance and sing right over it as if I had never made the effort to love.

But the fact remains that I did try and I did love and no matter what, souls should be different once they have loved deeply, no matter the outcome. Once I fill in a well in my soul, the chances of me digging again become smaller. In fact, once I’ve spent the time and energy to dig and fill time after time, there will come a moment when my soul will be so hard because of all the packed dirt, I am likely to never be able to dig again and definitely not as deep.

No, empty love wells in my soul that are filled in are not a good idea either.

Some perplexing question arise in my mind and heart right about now, especially since it’s late at night and my eyes are puffy because I can’t figure out what to do with these empty wells in my soul. How do I go on with a bunch of useless holes in my soul? What about all I gave? Shouldn’t I at least try to fill them in and cover them up so everyone won’t be able to see how damaged my heart is? I could go on and on with those questions, and believe me, I have.

But to what avail?

Self pity and loathing are no more the vehicles to peace in this case then they have been at any other time.

So what then?

My only answer is this: empty love wells in my soul should never be empty in the first place.

“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.” (1 Jn. 4:18)

Even if at the bottom of the deepest love well I ever dug, I find that (for whatever reason) the love I had hoped for from the other person doesn’t exist or is different in any other way than I expected, if I loved without fear, that well should still be filled with love: the perfect love that God has for me and that other person.

In loving others the way that God loves us, without bounds or pride, I make room in my soul to feel His love for me. And in the end, if my soul is full of deep love wells full of perfect love from God, how can I ever be thirsty again?